


you are what you eat

by ko_ebii



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: sweet juicy character study for ruggie, tw: brief mention of cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24804508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ko_ebii/pseuds/ko_ebii
Summary: there is the fear of not being good enough, and then there is the fear of not having enough.within him is a hunger--for food, for love, companionship, everything he could have but doesn't. he could lie to himself the way he did when he used to pack mud into neat, round mounds and eat them just to feel full. he could lie to himself the way he did when he told himself the world had space for him, trying and trying to find love in the rough, harsh slums. he could lie to himself the way he did when he told himself he was needed. but he doesn't want to, anymore.i want more, he says, plainly, to himself, crying into the void that hears but does not listen. i want. ineed.go fetch,is its response, tossing him more errands to run his energy dry.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	you are what you eat

there is the fear of not being good enough, and then there is the fear of not having enough. 

within him is a hunger--for food, for love, companionship, everything he could have but doesn't. he could lie to himself the way he did when he used to pack mud into neat, round mounds and eat them just to feel full. he could lie to himself the way he did when he told himself the world had space for him, trying and trying to find love in the rough, harsh slums. he could lie to himself the way he did when he told himself he was needed. but he doesn't want to, anymore. 

i want more, he says, plainly, to himself, crying into the void that hears but does not listen. i want. i _need._

_go fetch,_ is its response, tossing him more errands to run his energy dry. 

*

the world is angry, and it is hungry. this he knows. people who have things want more. people who don't have anything want something. anything will do. so he collects trash, because it is enough simply to possess--to hold it in his hands and know it is his. it is enough, but only sometimes. 

he's dreamed of having enough. he's dreamed of having enough money to fill a whole bag, and he's dreamed of having the time to travel, to have fun. he's dreamed of being happy.

he finds it anyway, because where else would he? how will he survive if he does not force himself to be happy? 

he laughs when he drops things. he laughs when they break. he laughs when people drop him. he laughs and does not break. he cannot. he must not. 

*

sometimes he thinks he would like to eat leona, to open his jaw so wide it hurts, to bite and tear into flesh until nothing is left but bone. it would be nice to be full, to be so privileged he doesn't have to do anything anymore. each time he feels guilt so heavy the hunger ebbs. 

he knows it's okay to be irrational, sometimes, to let his thoughts drift where they shouldn't, because no matter how much people tell him thinking is the same as doing, it isn't. thinking about eating isn't going to fill his belly. thinking about having enough won't make it come true. it is cruel, and it hurts, but it is the truth. 

he wonders what it's like to feel content. he acts like it, but when he stops and thinks about it, he really doesn't know. what is it like to have enough? what is it like to truly be happy? 

*

_laugh with me. turn up the corners of your mouth. express false mirth. feel it claw its way up your throat, feel it throttle you. feel it shake you, know i have power over you. laugh even if you don't want to, even if you feel like crying. laugh because you shouldn't._

__

__

_laugh with us. those who lurk beneath, those condemned to have less and less until there is nothing left. laugh with those thrown into the dark, meet our eyes and watch them grow smaller and smaller as your throne grows too high to bear and, finally, you tumble off._

_laugh with us. feel our pain, our fear, until it ends in a flurry of "every man for himself". feel the desperation of the vultures that lurk, waiting, for your scraps._

_i am what i eat._

_i am nothing._

*

he knows that, objectively, there is nothing he can do to help himself other than to pretend. so he picks up the worn bones of his life, excavates them from the sand with his bloodied hands, and tries. he takes and he takes, and he gives to leona knowing he will receive in return, knowing that they are in this… whatever their relationship is, only because they stand to gain. he knows that the moment one falls behind, the other will devour them whole. 

he takes hand-me-downs. he takes extra food, even if it's rotting. he takes textbooks, he takes it and he eats, he devours, this knowledge, if it will only give him another leg up. he is ravenous for more, more, more, but it's not enough. 

he knows people think he is selfish, that he is two-faced, but it's okay to step on other people's toes if it will keep him alive. he's had his own stepped on far too many times not to return the favour twofold. 

he is always afraid, but still he laughs. 

he doesn't know if he really has become easy-going or if he's too scared to start caring lest he falls apart, crumbling to sand and dust under the weight of what he's done, what other people have done to him, and what he will have to do--

one day, he knows he will have to offer his neck to leona, or leona offer his neck to him, and he knows he wants neither. he knows he needs the latter, but denies it anyway. the day will come when it comes. 

he sits and plays with the bones of his existence like a xylophone. he will put it back together when it matters.


End file.
